I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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