i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
