I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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