she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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