I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
