u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
