Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
