Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
