Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
