so that wasnt chicken after all
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize