I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
