This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
