there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
