My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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