Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
