I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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