If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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