Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
