i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
