i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
