I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
