dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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