Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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