pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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