There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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