he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
