I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize