I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
