i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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