no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
