Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
