Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
