Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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