I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
