Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
