I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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