we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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