i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
