all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
