Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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