Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
