I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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