I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
