I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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