I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
