My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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