where am i from again
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
