He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
