I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
