I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
