i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
