so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
