this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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