My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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