Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
