Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We talked him into tasing himself.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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