when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I currently don't understand fingers.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
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