My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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