areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize