Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
