My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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