my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
