He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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