if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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