Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
