I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
